GROUND BREAKING THEORY!!!!

Okay so here i am intensively examining the types of democracy for my paper tomorrow and i can feel my concentration ebbing because of those stupid spasms of well you know pain/sadness/hurt/depression etc etc caused by the one and only you-know-who in my life. And suddenly this thought zooms in my head. This earth shatteringly brilliant revelation. Enlightment. Nirvana. And the pain disappears.
So here it is.
There are millions of people living in this huge huge brilliant world. We live in an enormous galaxy with millions of stars and milky ways planets(known and unknown). just one look at the sky and you know that there are creatures out there. Beings. Living things. Planets. Galaxies. places waiting to be explored. Millions of light years away there may be civilizations a thousand times more developed than we are.
So what are we? or well since this is my blog, what am I? Who am I?
I am nothing. My problems. My relationships. My faults. My mistakes. they don't matter to the world. even if i lose my guitar. I lose my camera. It doesn't matter!! The world is not going to die because of it. I am not going to die of it. The world doesn't care about my problems. So really why should I?? What affects me today is not going to affect Obama sitting in his pretty white house.if i break up with my boyfriend and am depressed about it the MAJORITY OF THE WORLD DOESNT CARE!!!

so whats the big deal then???
Theres nothing to worry about.
Because in the end we are all pretty insignificant.
so our problems? They don't exist. Our happiness, our joy, the little things in life...none of it really matters.
We are all going to die anyway. We are all going to suffer. But in the end. Who really gives a shit?
If nobody else does then why the hell should you???

For some fucked up reason this makes me happy.
so the crushing pain that Aman Dahiya is causing?
Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter at all.

its funny how much i miss him sometimes.
its weird.
at times im completely fine. im happy. i mean im HAPPY. excited. pumped about the world.
and then suddenly these memories. these images will come flooding through my mind erasing every happy memory i thought i possessed. and its crushing. sometimes i fool myself into believing that im over him. that miraculously i suddenly dont care any more. but the feeling doesnt last too long. it dies away. because i saw that boy in a way that no body else ever did. i saw the depth of which he could love. i saw the intensity with which he cared. and what im doing now? is throwing it all away. I feel like im waiting for a sign. a sign to tell me what to do. cause though the entire freaking world thinks hes perfect.To me. Hes just not. I dont feel the same passion that he feels. Yes I love him. I love him so much. But this isnt it. what we had was so so beautiful. But i have done too many impulsive stupid things that have just made me realize how much i completely lost all sense of self respect. i have changed so so much this past year. Just one year. and its like im a new person. Suddenly i just dont know myself anymore. I look at myself in the mirror and i dont see myself. I see a stranger. And he doesnt understand that all I needed was someone to stand by me.Not someone who wanted to hold on to me and make me feel like a captive in my own life. He changed me. Im not blaming him. He didnt mean to. But im different now. He is too. he allowed himself to fall so completely in love that he changed both of us. Wish i could start over. wish i could rewind just the past three years of my life.Just these three years. And i could have been a different person. A better person. Someone i myself could value.
do i wish i'd never met him? No.I just wish we could have helped each other instead of watching each fall apart. Watching each other wilt away. Waste away . And not doing anything about it at all.
what really was this thing we had? yes. it was love. it was passion. it was so much of everything and yet nothing at all. how does me being miserable right now really solve anything? i hate him for changing me i hate him for being the way he is. But mostly i hate him for loving me. i despise him for showing me what people dream of. And then realzing that thats not my dream.
I need to be on my own. No body said it was easy. But i need to be able to fall asleep at night without wishing i had someone to tell me they loved me.
I miss him still. With every word i type i miss him more. Should i call him? Whats the point? Itl only hurt him more.
Wish i could understand why exactly im doing this. But all I know is that its the right thing. Its what i need to do.
If i see him with another girl.
I will die.
Thats what Im so scared about. Im terrified that one day a girl is gonna come by his way and save him.Pick up the pieces. Fix him up. Stich back together the wounds I made. Save him from me. And i am terrified that he will fall in love with this girl. And then il be gone. Il be the past he doesnt want to think about. Yes that scares me. That scares me the most.

Gives me nightmares.

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. 


its irritating me that almost this entire freaking blog is about HIM. like my life depends on. like he was my fairytale. like he was supposed to be that prince charming. i mean...hes not right? prince charming doesnt leave u when ure stuck in the castle right?when you call him again n again everyday he doesnt ignore you right? the prince rescues you he doesnt send you to the dungeons. the prince climbs up that wall no matter how it is. he doesnt leave you. he doesnt leave you. no thats not in the story. that no where in the story. but then who was he?who was this guy who claimed my life for ten months? who is this person who took so much of me in so little time. im sitting and thinking about what ive spent the last ten months doing. and its nothing. i spent my energy loving him. fighting with him. loving him some more. andi ignored myself..


At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.  


thats what happened. he took my breath away. in one go he had it all. and god does he know that. he knows im sad he knows im alone he knows im lonely he knows im so so hurt. but all that he remembers is the bad times. all that he remembers is how many fights we had. all the times i hurt him. all the times i made him cry.. so now i suppose im paying for it. who cares if he treated me like shit for the past ten days. apparently my times not over yet. apparently im exiled for life. from being the center of his existance im suddenly suppposed to accept my position of being the last thing on his mind. 


and again..this is all about him again. why am i surprised?


ive started getting used to not seeing any missed calls on my phone. ive started getting used to missing him. ive started getting used to feeling like the most worthless thing on the planet. ive started adapting to this feeling of loneliness. mybe i could actually survive like this. maybe i wont die of loneliness. maybe i will be happy one day.. maybe.


for now.. im still broken. im still sad. im still lonely. 
and he still hasnt called.


signing out. sad. still sad. but getting used to being sad. getting used to the pain. hating the words i love you. cause they dont mean a thing. 


its been ten days and im still waiting for him to call. still waiting to hear his voice. still miss him so much. still wish he was everything he claimed to be.


now i know what rashmi felt like. i know exactly what she went thru. and i hate myself for it. i hope shes happy wherever she is. coz she deserves it. i hope she doesnt cry over him anymore coz im shedding enough tears for both of us. i deserve th pain im going through. she didnt.


 i love you aman. i hate myself for it. 

hurt

it feels like im disintegratring. slowly piece by piece. each lil bit of my heart is being torn off. it flies throuhg th air and thenn crumbles to dust. as if it never existed. as if it wasnt my whole life.as if i never loved him. as if he didnt exist. im shattered. im broken.

he won. i lost.

if he could see me right now hed know that. i cant eat i cant sleep. icant think i cant breathe. my life has overnight becum this living hell. im so scared. im so scared that its never gonna end. im so scared that hel haunt me for the rest of my life. i cant believe he doesnt care. all i wanted was a litle bit of extra attention this weekend. i was a little cranky a  little tired of being cooped up inside for two days. so  when he told me hes goin for a movie with akanksha some fuse inside me just blew. istarted ignoring him. i was cold i was acting like a god damn ice queen but i never said a word against him, i never said anything because i knew i technically didnt have a reason to be pissed with him, yes hes going for a movie with a girl. alone. whoever she may be. sorry but i didnt like it. he made me think this way. he made me so protective over him.. i was never likethis i swear. but he did this to me. he reduced me to this crazy insane woman who was happy only she was getting some attention from this guy. because he made me believe that he loved me, he made me believe that he wanted to marry me ,,,... have beautiful babies with me... but then why doesnt he care anymore???? its driving me crazy.....he might as well just take a dagger and stab it through my heart. that would hurt less.
ever since i got here he has been the center of my existance. everyday i would get thru hours of lectured just because i knew that he would be waiting for me outside my college gates. and i know that i was a bitch sometimes and i know i fought with him. but i loved him. i still do. i wishi didnt. oh god iwish i ididnt. its killing me becasue ifeel like hes suddenly shoved my heart back into my chest but there no room for it, and it hurts. oh god it hurts so much. all i wanted was an apology. oneof his long speeches hes so good at making so that i get a little assurance that he does love me. im broken aman. you broke me. i loved you. i wanted to marry you. i know i never admitted it properly but iswearr i did. i wanted th same things you did. i wanted to spend everyday in your arms i wanted to take over the world with you standing by my side.
i cant do this alone.
its too cold outside.
its way too cold.
im dying aman.
i cant breathe.
help me. please help me.
but then your the one killing me. so how can you help?
how can someone who gets so much pleasure from slaughtering me rescue me?
you won aman.
i thought i was strong enough to live withougt you but now i know i wont. all i want is fir you to sayyou love me. just say you miss me say your sorry for what you said. you diddnt even apologize once to me. you hurt me baby. what you said really really hurt me. i cant think straight because the last words you spoke to me keep jarring up my mind. i dont know when il be able to breathe again. idont know when il be able to speak.
you were my world aman. you were the reason why i felt so safe at night. now im scared. im scared of the dark im scared of the shadows behind the trees. baby help me. but wait..you cant help me. your the one haunting me. your the one im scared of. because i love you. i love you so much its killing me. thers this huge knot in my stomach. aman i feel like burying myself in th sand and staying there forever. life doesnt mean anyting wihtout you.
come back.

im patheticl. after everything you said i still want you back, funny thing is im so weak that even if you called me right now and say you love me i would say "i love you too". and then iwould smile like ive never smiled before. the knot would loosen.
i lost my mom. now ive lost you.
funny how i keep losing the most important things in my life.
i love you.
you hurt me.
and the wounds not healing.

i want to hate you.
i want to hurt you.
but you dont care anymore.
im a ghost now. im a ghost without a present without a future. i live in th past because i belong to my past.

May it be- lord of the rings

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh, how far you are from home
Mornië utúlië (Darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornië alantië (Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now
May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun
Mornië utúlië (Darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornië alantië (Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now
A promise lives within you now

the rain comes down as i start to move...
disturbing my nightmare
ruining the cool.
th suns just beginning to rise
a brand new day.
i open my eyes and have nothing to say.
because all that i am and i all that i have has been taken away from me in one small move.
he struck me once.
he struck me twice.
he gripped my fist when he heard my voice.
he pushed me down and started to beat.
my mind was lost in terror as i struggled against him and tried to wrench free.
but th seconds ticked by i and i began to tire and th tears stopped falling. my ravaged body was numb my skin was cold as ice.
my body he gave to th sea to carry it to the devil below.
yet th devil was kind.
he sent his chariot to the surface wer my body lay and pushed me to th shore.

th sand was wet beneath my feet.
the breeze was cool against my skin.
th sun had risen
the pain was going.

reborn.
forgiven.
forgotten.

the curtain falls.


redemption.

cold

somwhere in the backof my mind is a dream.
an island far away .
thers waves and thers the sun and its beautiful. so beautiful.
this big black horse is galloping along the beach and from where im standing on the rocks he looks like a god. poseidon coming charging straight at me. his eyes are glowing red and his mane is flying in the wind. he looks at me and for a second im rooted to spot. gripped with terror. th fear consumes me. it burns me. but i dont look away. i keep standing cause suddenly there are ropes tied to my ankles and theyre chains on my wrists. i scream and close my eyes as th beast comes nearer .his neighing and roaring resounding in my ears.

he kills me.this beast.
i die in the dream.
he rips me limb from limb.

but im happy.
im warm again.
th cold is gone.
im home.
the beast is me.