Sunday, January 16, 2011


it feels like im disintegratring. slowly piece by piece. each lil bit of my heart is being torn off. it flies throuhg th air and thenn crumbles to dust. as if it never existed. as if it wasnt my whole if i never loved him. as if he didnt exist. im shattered. im broken.

he won. i lost.

if he could see me right now hed know that. i cant eat i cant sleep. icant think i cant breathe. my life has overnight becum this living hell. im so scared. im so scared that its never gonna end. im so scared that hel haunt me for the rest of my life. i cant believe he doesnt care. all i wanted was a litle bit of extra attention this weekend. i was a little cranky a  little tired of being cooped up inside for two days. so  when he told me hes goin for a movie with akanksha some fuse inside me just blew. istarted ignoring him. i was cold i was acting like a god damn ice queen but i never said a word against him, i never said anything because i knew i technically didnt have a reason to be pissed with him, yes hes going for a movie with a girl. alone. whoever she may be. sorry but i didnt like it. he made me think this way. he made me so protective over him.. i was never likethis i swear. but he did this to me. he reduced me to this crazy insane woman who was happy only she was getting some attention from this guy. because he made me believe that he loved me, he made me believe that he wanted to marry me ,,,... have beautiful babies with me... but then why doesnt he care anymore???? its driving me crazy.....he might as well just take a dagger and stab it through my heart. that would hurt less.
ever since i got here he has been the center of my existance. everyday i would get thru hours of lectured just because i knew that he would be waiting for me outside my college gates. and i know that i was a bitch sometimes and i know i fought with him. but i loved him. i still do. i wishi didnt. oh god iwish i ididnt. its killing me becasue ifeel like hes suddenly shoved my heart back into my chest but there no room for it, and it hurts. oh god it hurts so much. all i wanted was an apology. oneof his long speeches hes so good at making so that i get a little assurance that he does love me. im broken aman. you broke me. i loved you. i wanted to marry you. i know i never admitted it properly but iswearr i did. i wanted th same things you did. i wanted to spend everyday in your arms i wanted to take over the world with you standing by my side.
i cant do this alone.
its too cold outside.
its way too cold.
im dying aman.
i cant breathe.
help me. please help me.
but then your the one killing me. so how can you help?
how can someone who gets so much pleasure from slaughtering me rescue me?
you won aman.
i thought i was strong enough to live withougt you but now i know i wont. all i want is fir you to sayyou love me. just say you miss me say your sorry for what you said. you diddnt even apologize once to me. you hurt me baby. what you said really really hurt me. i cant think straight because the last words you spoke to me keep jarring up my mind. i dont know when il be able to breathe again. idont know when il be able to speak.
you were my world aman. you were the reason why i felt so safe at night. now im scared. im scared of the dark im scared of the shadows behind the trees. baby help me. but cant help me. your the one haunting me. your the one im scared of. because i love you. i love you so much its killing me. thers this huge knot in my stomach. aman i feel like burying myself in th sand and staying there forever. life doesnt mean anyting wihtout you.
come back.

im patheticl. after everything you said i still want you back, funny thing is im so weak that even if you called me right now and say you love me i would say "i love you too". and then iwould smile like ive never smiled before. the knot would loosen.
i lost my mom. now ive lost you.
funny how i keep losing the most important things in my life.
i love you.
you hurt me.
and the wounds not healing.

i want to hate you.
i want to hurt you.
but you dont care anymore.
im a ghost now. im a ghost without a present without a future. i live in th past because i belong to my past.

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