Thursday, November 25, 2010

the rain comes down as i start to move...
disturbing my nightmare
ruining the cool.
th suns just beginning to rise
a brand new day.
i open my eyes and have nothing to say.
because all that i am and i all that i have has been taken away from me in one small move.
he struck me once.
he struck me twice.
he gripped my fist when he heard my voice.
he pushed me down and started to beat.
my mind was lost in terror as i struggled against him and tried to wrench free.
but th seconds ticked by i and i began to tire and th tears stopped falling. my ravaged body was numb my skin was cold as ice.
my body he gave to th sea to carry it to the devil below.
yet th devil was kind.
he sent his chariot to the surface wer my body lay and pushed me to th shore.

th sand was wet beneath my feet.
the breeze was cool against my skin.
th sun had risen
the pain was going.


the curtain falls.



somwhere in the backof my mind is a dream.
an island far away .
thers waves and thers the sun and its beautiful. so beautiful.
this big black horse is galloping along the beach and from where im standing on the rocks he looks like a god. poseidon coming charging straight at me. his eyes are glowing red and his mane is flying in the wind. he looks at me and for a second im rooted to spot. gripped with terror. th fear consumes me. it burns me. but i dont look away. i keep standing cause suddenly there are ropes tied to my ankles and theyre chains on my wrists. i scream and close my eyes as th beast comes nearer .his neighing and roaring resounding in my ears.

he kills me.this beast.
i die in the dream.
he rips me limb from limb.

but im happy.
im warm again.
th cold is gone.
im home.
the beast is me.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


once again its time to pack my bags and head off for another family "holiday"..

save me god.
th beaches of goa have never looked so terrifying.!!


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Dear Aman,

Pain.ul have millions of friends tons of well wishers.. a few side kicks here and there but just one person. one person who will really make you feel every inch of that small four letter word. It makes you want to crush it up smash it and submerge it under water. hide it in a box. seal it in a case so ul never have to see it again.. sometimes i want to preserve it. admire it from every angle and cherish every drop. th worst kind of pain is when your the one causing it. When you know that everything could have been perfect if it wasnt for that one stupid thing you did. that one time you didnt think or the one moment u let urself go. for two months i pushed sumthing to th back of my mind which i thought wasnt important. i made myself believe that it didnt matter. it wasnt my fault. it never is. but when it actually came to confrontation. when it came to saying i love you and i wanna be with you forever and actually mean it .i couldnt do it. because there it was. this wieght at the back of my mind. well now its out.. out in the open. and i feel like i can breathe again.
i wronged you in the worst way possible but the hurt i caused myself is incompareable. you ask me how much i love you and i say i dont know.. its because im scared of loving you too much. loving you so much that my heart can break at the slightest word. th slightest arguement. its scary because ive never felt something so powerful before. because somewhere down the line i lost my faith in love and when you tried to prove to  me that yes it does exist i refused to believe you. but now suddenly i need you. its a hunger. its a thirst which i need to quench. and im done saying no. im done refusing to let myself love you the way you deserve to be loved. the way you need to be loved. its 4. 30 in th fucking morning and my head is spinning but i have to write this now because i have to let you know that your the one person who iv actually changed for. the one person ive actually let in so far.
im sorry. im so sorry for being the way i was. but i promise its gonna be different from now on.
i hope one day il find it in your heart to forgive me completely and maybe one day ul even forget. i know thats not today and i know thats not anytime soon. but you should no that il wait. il wait till i have you back completely. and then itl be like its meant to be. A sanctuary. th abandoned island. the bubble which never bursts.
for the first time in my life i can actualy say .. i love you.
                                                                                                    yours forever,

p.s. mein tumse bahut pyaar karti hoon. hamesha.

misfortuned first blog

so over the past few months things hav happened ...things have changed..and the need to write it all down and tell people about it has suddenly arisen!
And thats why i find myself staring at an empty box on a computer screen wondering what there is to say...
im back home in pune now but strangely i dont know if i really can call this home. because i find myself homesick for the place i created for myself a few hours away. Bombay. th small little insignificant part of bombay which i called my own is what i find myself dreaming about. The word "home" suddenly confuses me. but lets leave that aside for now. 
my first blog post and I DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO WRITE ABOUT!!!! so lets chose a topic shall we? female rights?child abuse? politics?what is there really to talk about to my little computer? lets start with talking about me. (well this IS my blog so dont start complaining:)
Im in a slightly precarious position here what with my losing my brothers phone and him being a little over 6 feet tall with a baseball bat in his hand. so yes i am officially screwed. but do not fear!  i shall find a way to convince him that it really wasnt my fault that it was in my hand and just slipped out of the car :S

omg.....hes walking towards me........the baseball bat is barely visible behind him but alas i no it is there.......he comes closer and the maniacal stare in his red eyes is more visible  now... woe betide for i must fall.............. farewell to you oh misfortuned reader... may your fortune be brighter than mine........

then fall andrea.

et tu keith?