Tuesday, January 25, 2011

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. 

its irritating me that almost this entire freaking blog is about HIM. like my life depends on. like he was my fairytale. like he was supposed to be that prince charming. i mean...hes not right? prince charming doesnt leave u when ure stuck in the castle right?when you call him again n again everyday he doesnt ignore you right? the prince rescues you he doesnt send you to the dungeons. the prince climbs up that wall no matter how it is. he doesnt leave you. he doesnt leave you. no thats not in the story. that no where in the story. but then who was he?who was this guy who claimed my life for ten months? who is this person who took so much of me in so little time. im sitting and thinking about what ive spent the last ten months doing. and its nothing. i spent my energy loving him. fighting with him. loving him some more. andi ignored myself..

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.  

thats what happened. he took my breath away. in one go he had it all. and god does he know that. he knows im sad he knows im alone he knows im lonely he knows im so so hurt. but all that he remembers is the bad times. all that he remembers is how many fights we had. all the times i hurt him. all the times i made him cry.. so now i suppose im paying for it. who cares if he treated me like shit for the past ten days. apparently my times not over yet. apparently im exiled for life. from being the center of his existance im suddenly suppposed to accept my position of being the last thing on his mind. 

and again..this is all about him again. why am i surprised?

ive started getting used to not seeing any missed calls on my phone. ive started getting used to missing him. ive started getting used to feeling like the most worthless thing on the planet. ive started adapting to this feeling of loneliness. mybe i could actually survive like this. maybe i wont die of loneliness. maybe i will be happy one day.. maybe.

for now.. im still broken. im still sad. im still lonely. 
and he still hasnt called.

signing out. sad. still sad. but getting used to being sad. getting used to the pain. hating the words i love you. cause they dont mean a thing. 

its been ten days and im still waiting for him to call. still waiting to hear his voice. still miss him so much. still wish he was everything he claimed to be.

now i know what rashmi felt like. i know exactly what she went thru. and i hate myself for it. i hope shes happy wherever she is. coz she deserves it. i hope she doesnt cry over him anymore coz im shedding enough tears for both of us. i deserve th pain im going through. she didnt.

 i love you aman. i hate myself for it. 

1 comment:

  1. all i wanted. was for you to look into my eyes and tell me these things that u felt all that while .. yea i know .. its easier to just write it and forget about it .. but thats why i'm no longer who i used to be for you. anyway. all the best andrea. i'm sure there is someone out there who will make you feel like fairy tales do come true in real life . love you always.