Wednesday, March 16, 2011

its funny how much i miss him sometimes.
its weird.
at times im completely fine. im happy. i mean im HAPPY. excited. pumped about the world.
and then suddenly these memories. these images will come flooding through my mind erasing every happy memory i thought i possessed. and its crushing. sometimes i fool myself into believing that im over him. that miraculously i suddenly dont care any more. but the feeling doesnt last too long. it dies away. because i saw that boy in a way that no body else ever did. i saw the depth of which he could love. i saw the intensity with which he cared. and what im doing now? is throwing it all away. I feel like im waiting for a sign. a sign to tell me what to do. cause though the entire freaking world thinks hes perfect.To me. Hes just not. I dont feel the same passion that he feels. Yes I love him. I love him so much. But this isnt it. what we had was so so beautiful. But i have done too many impulsive stupid things that have just made me realize how much i completely lost all sense of self respect. i have changed so so much this past year. Just one year. and its like im a new person. Suddenly i just dont know myself anymore. I look at myself in the mirror and i dont see myself. I see a stranger. And he doesnt understand that all I needed was someone to stand by me.Not someone who wanted to hold on to me and make me feel like a captive in my own life. He changed me. Im not blaming him. He didnt mean to. But im different now. He is too. he allowed himself to fall so completely in love that he changed both of us. Wish i could start over. wish i could rewind just the past three years of my life.Just these three years. And i could have been a different person. A better person. Someone i myself could value.
do i wish i'd never met him? No.I just wish we could have helped each other instead of watching each fall apart. Watching each other wilt away. Waste away . And not doing anything about it at all.
what really was this thing we had? yes. it was love. it was passion. it was so much of everything and yet nothing at all. how does me being miserable right now really solve anything? i hate him for changing me i hate him for being the way he is. But mostly i hate him for loving me. i despise him for showing me what people dream of. And then realzing that thats not my dream.
I need to be on my own. No body said it was easy. But i need to be able to fall asleep at night without wishing i had someone to tell me they loved me.
I miss him still. With every word i type i miss him more. Should i call him? Whats the point? Itl only hurt him more.
Wish i could understand why exactly im doing this. But all I know is that its the right thing. Its what i need to do.
If i see him with another girl.
I will die.
Thats what Im so scared about. Im terrified that one day a girl is gonna come by his way and save him.Pick up the pieces. Fix him up. Stich back together the wounds I made. Save him from me. And i am terrified that he will fall in love with this girl. And then il be gone. Il be the past he doesnt want to think about. Yes that scares me. That scares me the most.

Gives me nightmares.

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